Rib Ticklers

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I was talking to an old friend of mine the other day about our days in the services, and I asked him if he had ever deserted. "No I didn't", he said. I said that I had at the beginning of my training. I was telling him that when I joined, they gave me a comb, then cut off all my hair. They then gave me a toothbrush, and then they took out most of my teeth. Well, when they gave me a jockstrap, that's when I legged it.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city
and they were in a mall for the first time in their
lives. The father and son were strolling around while the
wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's that?' The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I
dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my
whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching with
amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to
the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous,
voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son..........

'Boy..................go gitcha Momma.............

Jack in his half drunken state leans on the front of the fairground shooting gallery and mumbles that he will have 10 shots and pays his money. He wobbles a bit and takes aim. Ten Shots - Ten Bulls. The stall owner is amazed and says, "Well mate that's great shooting - you get a 1st prize". He gives Jack a tortoise! Later Jack comes back again and repeats his performance much to the amazement of the stall owner. He says, "Well mate you've done it again, what do you want this time?". Jack looks around at the prizes and says, "Tell you what, I'll have another one of them crusty pies"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
    After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, "What's the story?"
    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last".

This quote really made me laugh!
Picture two Old Time Music Hall comedians Charles Coborn and Charles Austin standing at the graveside of the very famous Harry Tate (after whom all Harry Tates were nicknamed). 'Dear old Harry', said Coborn 'I can't believe we shall never see him again'. Austin shook his head, looked at the grand old man beside him and said: 'You're getting on a bit yourself Charlie'. Coborn agreed: 'Yes I'm over ninety.' Charlie Austin patted his shoulder and without a flicker of a smile said: 'Blimey, it's hardly worthwhile going home, is it?' (Taken from British Music Halls an Illustrated History by Richard Anthony Baker 2005).

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock. "Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock" The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."