Rib Ticklers

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise - the man who wrote 'The Hokie Kokey' - died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started.

One of my favourite stories concerned the junior seaman who joined his first ship straight from training at RALEIGH . He underwent his joining routine and familiarization tour before the ship sailed during the dog watches. After being told he was a bridge lookout for the middle watch, he turned in early.
At the appointed hour, he was shaken, got dressed and made his way to the bridge. Unable to discern anything in the silent gloom, he called out loudly, "Is there anybody there?"

The Captain was the first to regain his composure and said, "Of course there's somebody here!"
"Alright," declared the young sailor with renewed confidence. "Your relief's here so you can f*** off now."

Jack in his half drunken state leans on the front of the fairground shooting gallery and mumbles that he will have 10 shots and pays his money. He wobbles a bit and takes aim. Ten Shots - Ten Bulls. The stall owner is amazed and says, "Well mate that's great shooting - you get a 1st prize". He gives Jack a tortoise! Later Jack comes back again and repeats his performance much to the amazement of the stall owner. He says, "Well mate you've done it again, what do you want this time?". Jack looks around at the prizes and says, "Tell you what, I'll have another one of them crusty pies"

The Pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender, "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
Pirate, "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

" Bartender "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird crap."

Pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached.

Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last".

This quote really made me laugh!
Picture two Old Time Music Hall comedians Charles Coborn and Charles Austin standing at the graveside of the very famous Harry Tate (after whom all Harry Tates were nicknamed). 'Dear old Harry', said Coborn 'I can't believe we shall never see him again'. Austin shook his head, looked at the grand old man beside him and said: 'You're getting on a bit yourself Charlie'. Coborn agreed: 'Yes I'm over ninety.' Charlie Austin patted his shoulder and without a flicker of a smile said: 'Blimey, it's hardly worthwhile going home, is it?' (Taken from British Music Halls an Illustrated History by Richard Anthony Baker 2005).

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock. "Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock" The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."